Barley, hops, yeast, water, and a whole lot of aggravation.
1. “Is it ready yet?”
Making a homebrew takes time — usually about a month before it’s ready to drink. So no, the batch that I finished making 2 hours ago isn’t ready.
2. “You know Anheuser-Busch has already perfected this right?”
If you think that Anheuser-Busch is the pinnacle of beer making, then we probably weren’t going to be friends anyway.
3. “Oh, I love craft beer! Have you ever tried Blue Moon?”
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Oh man! You drink wheat beer?! How hipster! Do you know who brews Blue Moon? Take a guess.
4. “Have you ever made a PBR clone?”
The ingredients alone are more expensive than buying a case of the stuff. Plus, you want to wait a month to drink a PBR you made? Get out of my house.
5. “Is it ready yet?”
People are really impatient.
6. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to buy beer?”
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Yes, it is! However, homebrewers like to try something different. We’re usually the guys drinking smoked beer, or beer brewed with coffee or brains. We like pushing the envelope. We’re like the Steve Jobs of beer.
7. “Can you make me a watermelon/blueberry/honeysuckle beer?”
Look, we love weird requests. And they sometimes work (put peanut butter in it!). But as much as we love trying ingredients we’ve never tried before, some shit just doesn’t work. If you want to see how the flavor profile of a pale ale changes with honeysuckle, maybe you should try brewing it yourself?
8. “Its ok, I’ll just drink it straight from the bottle.”
Oh, that’s fine. Let me know the next time you make a pie. I’ll just cram my face right into the pan, no worries. WOULDN’T WANT TO DIRTY A PLATE!
9. “Have you ever tried a beer with [insert completely random, terrible ingredient idea here]?”
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Chances are, if you wouldn’t try cooking with it, I won’t try brewing with it.
10. “Is it ready yet?”
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Really … don’t you have anything better to do?
11. “Hey Walter White? You cooking the blue stuff?”
Yes, sometimes a serious brew rig looks like it might be able to produce enough blue stuff to keep Arizona tweaking for a decade. But you know how you can tell the difference? Meth doesn’t smell this good.
12. “Can I come over for your next brew day?”
Of course you can. Just be ready to stand around and watch me wash/sanitize for hours. Yeah, there’s a lot of standing around.
13. “What do you like better: Coors, Miller, or Bud?”
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If you think we’re drinking a Coors while we’re watching a Belgian Tripel mash out, you’re wrong.
14. “What brewery do you work for?”
You haven’t heard of it, but you will!
15. “Is it ready yet?”
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You really want to get punched in the face today, don’t you?
16. “Have you ever tried [insert nationally known brewery]?”
Why no, I’ve never heard of a Samuel Adams Brewery! What do they make? Vice Presidential beer?
17. “Can you make a Bud Light Lime clone?”
You really don’t get this whole homebrew thing do you?
18. “Oh yeah, I bought one of those kits online too.”
Do you even know what a hot break is?
19. “Why don’t you make it like 20% ABV!!?”
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At that point, wouldn’t you just want a nice glass of scotch?
20. “I like Miller Lite the best because it’s ‘triple hops brewed.’”
You obviously have no idea what you’re talking about.
21. “I love that signature beachwood aging flavor you get in Budweiser.”
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… I got nothing.
22. “I love Coors because it’s brewed cold and I know so because the mountains are blue!”
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Uh … hey man, is your ear bleeding?
23. “Is it ready yet?”